Anger Management Advice

Scientists are catching a glimpse of how it affects the brain.

 

Learn better ways to communicate

One of the prime reasons the people lose their cool, is that they take exception to the way they are being spoken to. How we speak to others – (whether those dearest to others, those we work with, or those who work in places we often go to, such as shops, ticket offices and restaurants) – communicates a great deal about how we think or feel about them. It can either inflame a difficult situation or calm it down.

 

 

This is where ‘LIFE’ comes in useful.

 

LIFE = Listening

Active listening is a powerful skill we can all learn. It means listening to the other person without interrupting or giving advice, and then summarising back to them what you have heard, so that they know they have been heard correctly. If you have misunderstood something, they have a chance to set you right.

 

So, if someone is angry or upset …….

Let them emotionally unload, saying nothing but showing, by your expression or slight nods of the head, that you are attending, (and a do attend!), to what they are saying. Don’t interrupt or challenge them, even if they are angry with you and what you are hearing about yourself is, you think, blatantly untrue.

 

Always remember that, when we are emotionally aroused, the higher part of our brain shuts down and we can’t think straight. We go into ‘black-and-white’, ‘all-or-nothing’ mode (“you never do that”, “you always do this”), so reality gets distorted.

 

 

LIFE = I, not you

Grievances commonly escalate into a row because we accuse other people of doing, or not doing things we don’t like, instead of starting from how, ‘whatever we are aggrieved about, is making us feel’.

Instead of screaming, “You never clear away the breakfast things and wash up!” Your point is much more likely to be heard if you say something like “I feel upset and angry when I come home from a long day’s work and find your breakfast things still on the table and none of it washed up”.

 

When we blame; the ‘other person’ gets upset and defensive, even if they know they are in the wrong. But when we speak from the ‘I’ position, we are not attacking any one; we are just describing the circumstances that explain or justify our feelings. The other person then has the chance to make a contribution towards solving the problem. They can choose to wash up and put the breakfast things away. And if they do, they will also be more likely to do it in the future, than if the solution was imposed upon them.

 

 

LIFE = Freedom to own your own problems

If someone else’s behaviour is adversely affecting you in some way, you have a problem that needs sorting out. But you do not have a problem, if their circumstances or behaviour are not affecting you (or not causing a risk which, as a parent or citizen, you have a duty to act or prevent). It makes no difference whether you don’t like what is happening, or you are upset on the other person’s behalf. It is best, on such occasions, to stay out of the matter. After all, if you rush in to solve every problem, you are denying people their opportunity to develop by working out how to handle it for themselves.

Only if our help is asked for should we become involved in the problem-solving process 

Remember, advice that is not asked for, is almost always seen as criticism. To the person with a problem it sounds as if you are saying, “why on earth did and you think of doing this, this or this?”

 

 

 

LIFE = Everyone’s a winner!

When we are in conflict with others, our aim should be to come up with a solution that satisfies everyone, rather than leaving one person ‘the winner’ and others ‘the losers’. Even if the solution feels good to the winner at the time, it is only a short term triumph because relationships will suffer in the long run.

This is because arguments are not usually about who is right or wrong, but about the clash of needs.

In searching for solutions, therefore, we must look for what needs are not being met for the individuals concerned, and make sure the solution takes account of them.

 

 

Further advice

• Once you are aware that you have ‘lost it’, do anything that will give you a ‘timeout’ to calm down. Put down the phone if you have become abusive. Or walk out of the room, tell telling the person you are going out for a while to ‘cool off’

• Separate yourself from the anger. Imagine your emotional arousal as a wild, untamed animal. It helps to see that spitting, flailing animal as, not the real ‘you’.

• Do intensive 7/11 breathing, (Breathe in for 7 seconds, breathe out for 11 seconds), to bring your arousal down, or do something highly physical, such as running or circuit training.

• Once you have lowered your emotional arousal and enabled the thinking brain to get a look in, use it to let you take a wider perspective. For instance, write down what the wild animal was telling you (“it’s not fair!”      “I won’t be treated like this! “     “Who does he think he/she is?” And question those assumptions. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Did they really mean to be unkind? To be disrespectful? Or patronising? Do you really expect to control everything? Or was it the wild animal, rearing up and bearing its teeth, that was acting this way?

• The more you question, the more you are taming the wild animal inside of you. And the more often you do this, the weaker the wild animal will become. As you gain power over it and more awareness, you may also begin to recognise some of the warning signals that indicate you are about to blow  - feeling hot and sweaty, perhaps, or starting to want to clench your fists or move your legs, or feeling a blinding pain in your head. Then when you spot such a warning sign, take time out immediately and work your way through all the points above.

• The more you question the wild animal’s behaviour and motives, the less powerful and driving they will become. - In a civilised society, should we really be behaving like wild animals, fighting to get our own way, regardless of the consequences to anyone else?

 

The ‘good argument’ guide

• Agree to have 5 minutes each to speak without interruption.

• Stick to the issue under discussion; do not bring up grievances from the past.

• Do not attack each other’s character

• Avoid the words ‘always’ and ‘never’; this is unlikely to be true.

• When the first person has spoken, the second person should summarise what they think was said, without judgment or criticism. The first speaker then corrects the summary, if necessary.

• Then the second person speaks for 5 minutes, after which the first person summarises (again without blame or criticism) and the speaker corrects is necessary.

• Say nothing more at this point! Agree to go away and digest what you have heard, whether you agree with it or not.

• If there is something to be resolved, agree to meet again later that day, at a specified time, and use the same rules (No blaming, no character assassination, no interrupting, etc.) to put forward an discuss possible solutions.

• Do not use language secretly designed to antagonise or demean the other person. If there is a dispute it is because there is a clash of needs. So it is important to genuinely value each other’s contribution and to find out what each person’s needs are.